we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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