I got chris browned last night
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
