Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It was confusing and full of hummus
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Randomize
