By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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