I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
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