Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
