shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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