So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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