were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
