this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
