so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
