nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
