her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Randomize
