Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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