last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
