Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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