i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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