one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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