How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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