All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
