Kareoke will never be a sober sport
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
