I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
