you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
