My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
