the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
false alarm. still invincible.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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