My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you will always have a special place in my vag
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
