hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The uberlube is also flammable
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
