you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
