Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
