I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
