Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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