If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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