he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
