I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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