if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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