if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize