Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
