The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Pooping to opera.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize