dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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