i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
