I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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