Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i already hear my dad disowning me
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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