tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
did i walk over a car last night?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
