He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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