I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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