Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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