Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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