At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
