oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
