i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize