Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
