I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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