my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
