I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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