you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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