Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
