I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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