I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
