Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize