Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
