You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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