If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just forgot I was standing up.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
